I Am...

I use the Daily Walk for my reading and devotional time in the morning.  Last week it challenged us/me to find Jesus' seven I am statements in the book of John.  It prefaced with the following story.  'To screen and select the first seven astronauts for the American space program, each applicant had to complete the sentence "I am...," in 50 different ways.  After using up the obvious answers - "I am a man, I am a test pilot, I am from Florida" - the candidates quickly discovered how penetrating and thought provoking that question can become." (Daily Walk, October 2011 pg 32)  So as I went finished the devotional I set out to find Jesus' seven I am statements.  Here is what I found:

1.      I am the bread of life; he who comes to me will not hunger and he who believes in me will never thirst (John 6:35)

2.      I am the light of the world; he who follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life. (John 8:12)

3.      ...I am the door of the sheep. (John 10:7)

4.      I am the good shepherd; the good shepherd lays down his life for his sheep. (John 10:7)

5.      I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in me will live even if he dies, and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die. (John 11:25,26)

6.      I am the way, the truth, and the life; no one comes to the father but through me. (John 14:6)

7.      I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. (John 15:1)

 

This got me thinking about how I would finish the statement I am and how my children, in turn, would finish the statement.  Jesus was God incarnate, our shepherd, our sustenance, our eternal life, our source, our God.  What who and what are we?  It made me think about what my family would say I am and what my friends would say I am?  What do people see when they interact with me or my kids?  Last week I quoted Henri Nowen, "We are called to be fruitful - not successful, not productive, not accomplished...", and talked about being a fruitful work in progress, but how are we sure what we are progressing toward?  And what are we setting in our kid's path to ensure they are becoming fruitful works in progress, even when the fruit is not what we were striving for?

I once heard a pastor talk about speaking actions into being.  If we seek to find how we or our children would answer the I am statement we have to consider what is in their head and heart.  What kinds of things are they being told each day?  And are they living up and into those words, good or bad?  Jesus knew beyond a shadow of a doubt who he was and is.  I definitely know some things beyond a shadow of a doubt; I am a child of God, I am loved, I am forgiven.  But there are other things that I hope people think of me and that is where the fruits of the spirit come in.  Would people use the fruits of the spirit to describe you or your kids?  I know I don't demonstrate that each day and we all know that my daughter doesn't, based on last week's post, and I can tell you that my son does not either.  But if we go back to the fruitful work in progress idea and pair that  with  the words that go into our heads and hearts each day and the words we put in our children's heads and hearts each day, we get a picture of how we can begin to speak our children into the people they were meant to be in the Lord.

Last year I was fortunate to be involved in a discipleship group.  Through that process one of the things that we did was come up with 10 affirmations for our kids.  Based on my previous understanding and belief in speaking actions into being, I wrote words for my kids that encompassed all they were but also all they could become.  I have revisited those words with my kids occasionally and need to revisit them more frequently.  But for both kids the word kind is included.  If they think they are kind, and told they are kind, maybe they will act more kind.  In contrast, if a child thinks he is unfocused, and he is told he is unfocused, he will act unfocused.  See where I was going?  If we are affirming our kids with what they can become, don't they have a better chance of becoming that?  Similarly, if we are studying God's words and memorizing and trying to follow his path, don't we have a better chance of being a fruitful work in progress?

In Deuteronomy 11:18-21 it say, "Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.  Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, and when you lie down and when you get up.  Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates, so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land that the Lord swore  to give your forefathers, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth."

I will be revisiting the words I have written for my children this week, and attempt to be more intentional with them.  I want to fix them in their minds and hearts, and speak them into being, so they will be fruitful works in progress as they faithfully employ the fruits of the spirit.

The Fruit of Kindness

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.  Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people,..."  Galatians 6:9,10a
It is so easy to move through life acting or behaving as those around us.  When a group gets together don't they all tend to say and do similar things?  Isn't it comfortable that way?  More comfortable to blend in than to stick out?  As we bump up against the world each day we are challenged to act differently than the world.  When our children are in a situation where others are challenging or retaliating or talking about someone, the easiest thing is to join in.  It is safe.  It is hard to go against the grain when what you want to do is join in, or win at any cost, or get the position or reaction that gains the respect or praise of the group.

Emma and I were recently with a group of her friends where we ordered sodas for all the girls.  When they came, we realized we had ordered too few root beers and too many sprites.  What I wanted my daughter to do was to take the extra sprite and kindly, let her friend have the root beer, even though she wanted the root beer.  I wanted her to put others first, to show the kindness that we have been talking about all month.  Guess what?  She didn't.  She dug her heels in, looked me in the eyes and said, "I ordered the root beer."  Ugh.  Another girl did show kindness and gave up her desire to have root beer and settled for a sprite.  Who knew the choice of soda would be such a learning experience.  Not my proudest moment but it did open an opportunity to have a conversation with my daughter privately.
Don't we grow weary of trying to do good?  Isn't it sometimes easy to just go with the flow of the traffic?  But in Galatians 6:9 it says, "Let us NOT grow weary of doing good..."  I think that is in there because God knew we would grow weary and that it would be hard to persevere.  In similar fashion, don't we grow weary of parenting our kids in the spiritual disciplines, encouraging and guiding them in the fruits of the spirit?  Especially when we don't always see results.  Parenting is a constant feeding and pruning process that will sometimes take time to show any result.  Doesn't anything that is constant make us weary?  It does me.

There are many examples of trees and growth and the fruit that we are to produce in the bible.  One of my favorites is Matthew 12:33-35.  It says, "Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognizable by its fruit...For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.  The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him..."  If we think about parenting from this example, our children need constant feeding and pruning.  We need to be intentional about their discipleship and intentional about the good that we want them to store up in their heart.  They are so impressionable and the more they bump up against the world the more they are exposed and tempted to act like everyone else.  But isn't it our job as parents to try to fill them with good so that their overflow is good and kind and not competitive and aggressive?
But this cannot be achieved on Sunday mornings, or a weekly devotional.  This needs to be a part of our comings and goings, a part of our daily conversations.  It is constant and makes me weary just thinking about it.  But the fruit, oh the fruit.  What we have to remember is that once a tree is planted to takes a good bit of care, feeding, pruning, fertilizing and time for the fruit to be luscious and ripe.  We need to have the patience and care to stay the course regardless of the small blossoms that are sometimes sweet and beautiful and sometimes brown and ugly.  We, and our children, are fruitful works in progress.  Henri Nowen writes, "We are called to be fruitful - not successful, not productive, not accomplished. Success comes from strength, stress, and human effort. Fruitfulness comes from vulnerability and the admission of our own weakness."  There will be times when our children's fruit is not that attractive, when they really want a ROOT BEER!  But we can also have the same reaction to life and it is in our vulnerability that we can sometimes show our kids that we understand how hard it is.  Kindness in all situations is more of a challenge than we like to admit.

Isaiah 27:2-5 says, "In that day - 'Sing about a fruitful vineyard: I, the Lord, watch over it; I water it continually.  I guard it day and night so that no one may harm it.  I am not angry.  If only there were briers and thorns confronting me!  I would march against them in battle; I would set them all on fire.  Or else let them come to me for refuge; let them make peace with me, yes, let them make peace with me.'"
I did not call Emma out in the moment of the root beer debacle, even though I wanted to yank her arm, give her a stern look and say, "How is that KIND?"  But after the fact, once we were alone, I was able to calm down and we had a wonderful conversation about how hard it is to be different that others when what you want is to fit in and feel safe.  Emma and I were each other's refuge in that moment and each other's peace.  I strive (sometimes successfully, sometimes not) to set that example now, so that as they move from us being their center to God being their center, they are pulling from his overflowing love that will constantly water them and will never grow weary.  Do we guard them like a vineyard, constantly watering, filling them with God's disciplines and words?  I know I don't always, but it is a constant striving, from which I am sometimes weary. 

Kindness and goodness as we bump up against the world we live in, is a fruitful work in progress in our home, what about yours?

By His Grace

Move On, Let Go

Why do people exclude other people?  Why do people use unkind words?  Why do people hurt other people?  What really makes you sad?

There are times and moments in our lives where the decisions and actions of others hurt us.  When we feel left out or not included or alone, we tend to the human response of lashing out or letting our sadness be present for a time.  And when it happens to a child of your own, it is an even stronger response than when it happens directly to you, at least it is for me.  I had a couple events this last week that left me in a challenging place.  My initial reaction to my feelings of exclusion was to lash out, but then I just found myself engulfed by sadness.  If you are like me, when you or worse, your child, have something happen that makes then feel excluded, unaccepted or left out, then I start to analyze why someone would do something like that.  Why would that person not include everyone?  Or why would that person say those words?  I come up with any number of scenarios about the other person and their motivation.  You know what these thoughts and internal discussions about another person's motivation does for me?  Absolutely nothing!

We cannot and do not know why others do what they do, but we (myself included for sure) try to determine the why and we begin to make up scenarios that really just end in our judgment of the other person.  In our effort to be kind to the world we bump up against unkindness and our human reaction is to judge that unkindness.  That judgment aligns us with the world and makes us one of them.  Instead of us rising above, choosing a love action and following Jesus' example we become angry and frustrated and we let it infiltrate our mind and heart.  In Matthew 14 we find a story where one of Jesus' friends and ministry partners, John the Baptist, is brutally murdered.  This in itself is gruesome and sad, horrifying really, but what struck me was Jesus' reaction and subsequent actions.
"John's disciples came and took his body and buried it.  Then they went and told Jesus.  When Jesus heard what had happened, he withdrew to a solitary place.  Hearing of this, the crowds followed him on foot from the towns.  When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick."  Matthew 14:12-14

Now, let's be clear that I am not aligning my hurt over a couple minor exclusions with that of a death of a friend.  I am, however, wonderfully encouraged by Jesus' example.  A horribly unkind thing had happened, so don't you think when Jesus withdrew to a solitary place he wanted to be sad?  To have the chance to mourn his dear friend?  Maybe take a moment to be angry at the injustice of it all?  He probably wanted to run scenarios as to why someone would kill his friend.  But he didn't, really, do any of these things.  He looks out and feels compassion for the crowds that had followed him.  He did not wallow in the muck and mire, which we so often do, he moved forward to compassion for the world around him.  He didn't go to Herod and lash out and recount all the things that Herod should have done and all the ways he could have exhibited kindness.  He just carried on in compassion and kindness.  I believe that for any small amount of solitary time he had on that boat, he was praying, probably for Herod.  Amazing.

We truly don't know other's motivations and reasons for their behaviors.  Only God knows that.  In fact he knows them intimately.  In 1 Samuel 16:7 it says, 'But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him.  The Lord does not look at the things man looks at.  Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."'  When we are hit with what we see as unkindness and then we attempt to understand why things happen, wouldn't it help us to remember that only God knows and that it is only for him to know.  Maybe if we remember that Jesus faced a horrible event of unkindness and instead of lashing out and being sad, he went and showed compassion, it would help move us out of our sadness and move forward on the path God has for us?  Would that help us to move on and let go?

Emma really has a remarkable ability to let things roll off her back.  She does not try to understand why people do what they do but is able to move on and let go.  Cole, just like his mother, sees the injustice of it all and carries the sadness for a while when he feels he has been treated unkindly.  But what does that do for him, and me?  Again, absolutely nothing.  Well, actually, it does do something.  If we run scenarios in our head, be sad and cry over the injustice of it all, it separates us from God.  It puts us in a place where we cannot feel his love.  We can make a choice to just move on and let go.  We can respond with a love action.  We can lean into God, feel his loving arms around us and find comfort in knowing that only he knows.  Only he knows motivations and reasons.  And only he loves us so much that he gave up his only son.

The truth is that we have all been unkind.  I can think of my unkindness right off the top of my head.  But we are also all, as believers, called to kindness.  He actually selected us for that purpose, to show his love for the world through kindness, among the other fruits of the spirit.  So I pray for my children and myself, "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me."  Philippians 3:12  I pray that my kids and I may press on through all situations to take hold of kindness and goodness, to show love to the world around us and to let go and move on.

By His Grace

Look Me in the Eye

I have a dear friend who is a teacher.  She just had a job change and went from teaching second grade to middle school science.  It is a big jump for her but a challenging and exciting one.  What has struck her is that middle school kids are making their own choices.  The students choose whether to turn assignments in or not.  Therefore, she already has some kids that are failing just because they chose not to turn in their assignments.  Recently at back to school night she had her first interactions with the middle school parents.  As the parents came through, I am sure checking her out as the new teacher, she had discussions about curriculum, introductions to the students, and a variety of other topics.  I don't doubt that in the back of her mind she was aligning parents to the choices their children were making each day.  Toward the end of one group she had a sweet grandfather come up and said something that brought tears to her eyes.  He said, "Just remember to have Jacob look you in the eyes when you are speaking to him. He's my boy!"

Jacob is an autistic boy, so eye contact is challenging for him, but of all the concerns that grandfather could have discussed with his teacher, his top of mind concern was that Jacob be reminded to look his teacher in the eye.  And if I really think about it, looking people in the eyes is hard for all of us.  When was the last time you really looked someone in the eyes, intentionally?  My kids and I  have been practicing this as a way of showing kindness.  When we really look people on the eyes, mouth shut, focusing, it effects the person.  Consider the last time someone really looked in your eyes.  Didn't it change you a little bit?  Didn't it warm your heart and make you feel cherished in some way?  We move through life quickly, passing conversations, moving to the next topic, looking at our screen(s), looking anywhere but in people's eyes.

If we are to emulate Jesus' kindness and teach our children to do the same, the practice of looking people in the eyes is crucial.  Imagine Jesus.  Don't you think he looked directly into people's eyes?  He probably bore through their eyes into their soul.  And he took the time.  Remember the woman who believed she could be healed solely by touching the hem of Jesus' garment? 
"Just then a woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak.  She said to herself, 'If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed.'  Jesus turned and saw her.  'Take heart, daughter,' he said, 'your faith has healed you.'"  Matthew 9:20-22
In the throngs of people around him, Jesus stopped, and saw her, looked her in the eyes and spoke to her.  Can you imagine that? Don't you think she felt something in his eyes?

Looking it people's eyes takes time, it takes focus, it takes intention, it takes compassion, and it shows extreme kindness.  We make choices each day and as my kids grow I am struck by the thought that I will continue to lose control over the choices they make and also become less knowledgeable about the choices they are making. In the near future they will have more autonomy and make decisions on their own.  In a world where they spend a good bit of time looking into a screen, I want them to develop the habit of taking the time to look people in the eye.  It will separate them from the world, define them as kind individuals.  It will cause them to feel more, to study people.  Just as Jesus did.  I believe he took time to look people in the eye, each and every time he interacted with them.  It is hard to be angry or frustrated with someone when you are looking them in the eyes.  You can see a lot when you truly focus on people's eyes.  And as a society we run the risk of losing this intense communication and insight.  If we practice looking others in the eyes, we practice kindness, we practice goodness, we practice showing ourselves and practice seeing others.

Our eyes truly are the windows to our soul.  You can see hurt, sadness, anger, joy, excitement and a myriad of other emotions.  What I want people to see in my eyes and my kid's eyes... is Jesus.

By His Grace

The Challenge of Kindness

Love actions encompass all of the fruits of the spirit.  The fruits of the spirit give us detail on how to operate in love, how to change a less than love reaction (frustration, anger, judgment) into a love action (patience, kindness, goodness).  As believers we are called and challenged to love God, love other believers, and love the world.  In John 17 Jesus prays in this way and this defines our priorities as believers.

The first three fruits of the spirit relate to the first challenge which is to love God.  True unconditional love and being joyful in this life, living that life peacefully, and trusting him, shows our love for God.  We know he is in control, he has a plan.  When we truly consider his unconditional love then we naturally react in joy and peace because we know he is sovereign and already gave everything he had for us in his son.  But we live in the world.  That's where the other fruits start to come into play.

Last month we focused patience and how to teach that to our children and encourage them in that.  We found that I learned patience from my children most of the time.  We all struggle with certain things, mine happens to be patience.

The next two fruits of the spirit are kindness and goodness.  I recently had a conversation with a dear friend.  She had been praying for a specific thing to happen and she truly felt as if God wanted it for her.  When that thing did not come to fruition it was confusing to her, as it would be to anyone and has been to me in some situations in the past.  As I prayed and thought about it through the day I started to consider all the other people involved in any given situation.  For example, if your child does a sport consider all of the people your child comes alongside in the midst of that sport.  There are coaches, team moms, managers, other players, and all the same characters on the opposing team.  Now if every person involved in that sport loved God and took time to pray and seek his will in the sport before each game or practice then I believe the outcome in each case would be tremendously different.  As it is, some may pray, and depending on your circle it may be a larger percentage of people than not, but some may not pray or seek God's will and path.  Some will look for God in all things and strive to follow his path and directions, while many may not.  If everyone operated in the fruits of the spirit and a core motivation that grew from a love of God, other believers and the world we would be living in paradise, a perfect world.  But we don't and we cannot always rely on the actions of others.  We know that God intends the best for all who are called (Romans 8:28: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."), but there are those who have not answered the call and we bump up against them and they are in our midst each and every day.

Cole is a pretty kind person and he likes it when everyone gets along and affirms each other.  He is comfortable in a place where everyone is working toward the same goal and in harmony, which is probably true of all of us.  When he was in first grade I was in the back of the class during a time when they were working on writing a little story.  The class had become very competitive and students were announcing their stories, talking over each other and basically one-upping each other verbally.  The teacher was getting increasingly frustrated and the noise level continued to rise with this group of kids telling each other how much better they were than everyone else.  Then, I see Cole drop his head into his hands, start crying and say, "I just can't think."

The sweet teacher went and comforted him but the problem was bigger.  His core was upset, everything that makes him comfortable and happy, joy, kindness, and respect had been challenged and was challenged each day as he went through that school year.  He was upset by the other kids behavior, but still found it hard to resist being a part of it at times.  He would come home upset about being in trouble or not finishing work, but would repeat the behavior the next day and once again would come home sad and upset.  My husband and I ultimately made the decision to put Cole in another school.   For him he needed to come alongside kids who were more similar to him in order for him to succeed academically.  It was a hard decision and a hard change but has turned out to be the thing that saved the core of who Cole is, who God created him to be.  For some of us the outside world affects us more than others.

For Cole and Emma, for that matter, it has been effective for us to say, "How would it feel if someone said that to you, or talked to you that way, or if you were the new student and had to stand by yourself."  In most cases this has motivated them to be kind, but they are also subject to what every child is and are constantly challenged to not meet aggression with aggression or anger with anger.

As we teach our children about kindness and goodness, we will be faced with the possibility that they have to provide kindness and goodness in some situations where it is not initiated or received by the other person. For Emma, when that happens, she is pretty good about shaking it off and not letting it affect her, if she noticed it at all.  For Cole it changes his countenance and hurts his heart.   He remembers it, at least for a little while.  But we are called to be kind.  We are called to treat others as we want to be treated.  In Matthew 7:12 it says, "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets."

Kindness and love actions are not always easy.  There will be times when our kids react in ways that do not exhibit the fruits of the spirit, but the more they are able to rise above the pull of the world and its reactions and behaviors, the closer they are to God and his love for them.  If we can equip them to walk in his path and be unaffected by the behaviors and challenges of the world, they will be building a foundation for their lives that will last through the worst times of their lives. 
"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against the house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock."  Matthew 7:24-25

By His Grace